September 10, 2018

Journey to Parenthood – Part 3

With less than 2 weeks until our due date, this last post of our journey to parenthood series couldn’t be more fitting. Pregnancy for me has looked a little different than a lot of women.

In Part 1, I talked about how motherhood just wasn’t something I wanted for a long, long time. And because of that, pregnancy hasn’t been the most magical, “glowy” time for me. It’s actually been mostly frustrating and annoying. From that first month of crazy nausea and sickness to now feeling exhausted, uncomfortable, and worthless (because I can barely do anything on my own, ugh!), I haven’t enjoyed this season. Not being in control of my body has been the hardest part. The weight gain, random aches and pains, and overall discomfort gets exhausting. Think of it like getting random colds and stomach aches off and on for 8 months. Definitely annoying.

Also, I’ve always been a pretty stubborn person (both Matt and my parents would give you an “amen” here, haha) and I really didn’t want pregnancy to get in the way of my life. I still had to work and do house projects and LIVE. Yes, I have a baby growing in my stomach and yes, I am so thankful for that blessing, but I didn’t want that to define my life for a whole 8-9 months! My saying these last few months is “I’m just pregnant, not disabled.” I’m able to do most things and “just resting with my feet up” is not how I want to live for months and months. It has been my life unfortunately for a few weeks now, but I’m glad it wasn’t any longer.

Because of a lot of these feelings, this season just hasn’t been the best time and so for me, pregnancy has looked different. I haven’t taken weekly bump pictures. I actually have very few pictures of me pregnant at all. And of the ones we do have are just cell phone shots (like above). I just don’t love the way I look right now and a few quick pictures are enough for me to just to document this season. Speaking of photos, we also aren’t doing a maternity session. I know that as a photographer, this is big, but again, I’m just not into it. We did a little mini session around 15 weeks for our announcement picture, and that’s plenty for me.

I also haven’t gotten the “nesting” feeling. Matt and I (mostly Matt) have worked SO hard to get our house in a more “done” state. Yes, that is kind of nesting, I guess, but it’s mostly just projects we’ve had planned since before the pregnancy and just needed to finish before we host family. We do have a nursery and, of course, have been preparing for baby, but it’s not the typical I go sit in the nursery and dream of life with a baby nesting. I haven’t picked a going home outfit or bought a single baby thing myself just because. I’ve definitely missed that boat.

But despite all these feelings about pregnancy, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s ok. It’s ok that I’m not taking bathroom mirror selfies and cherishing the moments of having my belly used as a punching (or kicking/body slamming) bag. It’s ok I don’t sit and dream about holding and loving on a newborn. It’s ok that I’m totally over pregnancy and have no idea how so many women say they love it.

Don’t take those words the wrong way. I am SO VERY THANKFUL to be able to carry my own child and to have conceived naturally and to have a healthy baby so far! But this whole process has not been all that fun. The first kicks were kind of cool… but weirder than anything. And pregnancy is just kind of gross with what it’s been doing to my body. I’ll spare you those details because… yikes. Haha.

And my disclaimer above is exactly why no one really talks about feeling this way. We think we have to love the season of pregnancy because we need to 1. be thankful for it or 2. show that we love our baby. Neither of those is true. I can still be a rockstar mom and feel blessed far beyond what I deserve and still dislike this season of pregnancy. So if you are also a pregnant mama and feel that way, you are not alone!

Sometimes I like to think about why the Lord designed pregnancy this way. Obviously, the fall had a huge impact on the pain and labor of childbirth, but what about pregnancy? Was it always intended for women to carry a child for 9 months? Did the Lord design this period as a way of developing patience and giving grace for a time of preparation? It’s just so interesting to think about!

I am thankful that Matt and I have had time to not only prepare for baby, but to truly process the life change, and to enjoy just the two of us in this season. And the waiting has definitely helped develop my patience and has forced me to learn to lean on the Lord and I can only imagine that will grow as we welcome this new little life. But man, these last few weeks have been crawling. So here’s to less than 3 weeks until baby and not being pregnant anymore! YAY! You can expect things to continue to be slow on the blog and probably across my socials. I’ll be a little busy. 😉 My priority will be my current clients and their upcoming weddings! So to my couples, don’t worry about that! <3 But I promise there will be pictures posted on my socials once this little no name “bowling ball of love” (as one of my brides called baby) makes their appearance. We appreciate your prayers and all the excitement from everyone and we are excited too for this new adventure.