I’m starting off 2018 by writing this new, personal, real, raw blog for those who frequently check my blog on your own. 🙂

Over the past week on social media, I’ve seen so many posts about the excitement and hope of a new year. It’s a year for changes, improvement, and opportunity. And that’s generally the perspective I’ve taken of the new year: excitement for the new. But this year is different.

While there are definitely things I am excited for in the new year: my 2018 weddings, continuing to fix up our home, growing more in my relationship with Matt, new friends to be made, new ways to serve alongside our church, lots of new! But the onset of a new year, 2018, is mostly leaving me with anxiety and fear.

It has taken me 27 years and moving away from family to really dive deep into my inner anxiety. I can have a totally calm facade and say all the right things about God’s sovereignty, but my insides can be a total mess. Despite my grounded and unwavering belief in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I have a continuous fear of losing loved ones. And that just shouldn’t be – but that’s another blog post.

So, thinking of 2018, I wonder if this is the year where someone dies. A morbid thought? Sure. But it’s just a fact of life. Because of sin, we aren’t meant to live in this life forever, but because of what Jesus did for us, we are promised something far better. And that is literally THE ONLY thing that keeps me from totally falling into a funk and fearing everything.

Am I the only one who feels this way? Sometimes I think maybe because it’s not something we all regularly talk about. But my guess is that others feel this way and either don’t have an outlet (like a blog) for those thoughts or that it’s just not spoken because of the unpleasant nature.

So I’m facing 2018 with a mixed bag of emotions. The year could bring amazing things, but it could also bring sadness and heartache. I dread those days but guard my heart and mind against thinking of it too much, again, by reiterating the gospel. In all things, He is good and “All things work out for the good of those who love the Lord who are called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28

And if not, He is still good.

Thanks for listening to my heart. <3